How to Navigate Difficult Conversations
Ask any therapist and we’ll tell you one of the most common issues in relationships is a lack of communication.
Perhaps you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, or grew up in a conflict-avoidant household, or maybe you assume the other person already knows what you’re thinking. Regardless, sharing our thoughts and feelings can be hard, especially when it comes to serious topics like mental health or trauma. Over the years, I’ve developed the following guide to help my clients (and myself) have more effective discussions about tough topics. Keep in mind this is only an outline, so feel free to use what works for you and discard what doesn’t.
Consider the setting
There may be no “perfect time” to have this conversation, but there are certainly bad times. Consider the time of day, day of the week, and proximity to important events and anniversaries. Even when these conversations go well, one or both of you may need time alone afterward, so be sure to account for that.
Also select a place that feels comfortable and safe for you, but is not threatening to the other person. For instance, your favorite bar may feel good for you but not be a great place for your mother, who’s in recovery. Somewhere with a lot of space and a reasonable amount of privacy is ideal. A loud, crowded restaurant or a cramped three-hour flight probably aren’t great options. Instead, think along the lines of a coffee house, outdoor patio, or a quiet room in your house.
Set the tone
This is a situation where you want to be taken seriously, so it’s important to set the right tone. Let them know in advance that this is an important conversation, so they can get in the right frame of mind. You could say “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something for awhile, but I’m nervous” or “Can we sit down and talk, there’s something that’s been bothering me the past few days.” Use whatever verbiage feels comfortable to you. Cluing the other person in ahead of time also gives them an opportunity to say if this isn’t a good time for them–maybe they have an event later or need to take a work call in a few minutes, and a different time would be best.
State your needs
I know this is way easier said than done, but trust me: being upfront about what you’re needing from the other person will help both of you have a more effective conversation. Without stating your needs, the other person may automatically respond the way they think is best, like minimizing the problem or offering unwelcome advice. You can say “I’m just needing you to listen,” “I might need a hug after,” or “I’d like your advice after I finish talking.” Even if the person is not able or willing to meet your needs, it’s easier to enforce a boundary (“I need to end the conversation here,” for example) when you’ve already stated your needs.
Say what you need to say
Be as honest and direct as possible without being hurtful. Clearly share what you need to and try to be brief; no need to use flowery language or sugar-coat it. You’ve laid the foundation for a serious conversation and the other person has likely prepared themself, and may have even guessed what you’re going to say. Use “I” language (e.g. “I feel anxious” instead of “You made me feel anxious when…”) so the other person is less likely to feel attacked and get defensive. The more you can focus on your experience or perspective, the better.
Follow-up with a question
This signals to the other person that you’re done talking, at least temporarily, and gives them permission to engage. You could ask “What do you think?” or “What would you do in this situation?” Give them space to share and don’t be alarmed if they don’t have anything to say just yet; they may need some time to process their feelings or find the best way to communicate them to you.
Here are some tips:
● Don’t assume how they’re feeling. Instead of “You’re probably mad” or “I know this disappoints you”, ask them directly: “How are you feeling about this?” or “What are you thinking right now?” Prepare yourself for their honest answer and try not to hold it against them.
● Ask “What do you need from me?” or “What would you like to do now?” and do your best to meet these needs if it’s reasonable to do so.
● You may want reassurance that they agree with you or still care about you. This is okay, but again, be prepared for their honest answer and don’t hold it against them.
Share your feelings
Let the other person know how you are, emotionally. You can say “I’m feeling relieved at getting this off my chest” or “I’m still a little worried.” Any feeling is okay to feel and express, but don’t expect them to “fix” it. This is likely not the only conversation you’ll have with this person about the topic, so don’t feel compelled to say everything you’re feeling in the moment. Hopefully this conversation lays the groundwork for you to talk more openly in the future.
Effective communication is foundational to any healthy relationship, and the greater our ability to communicate clearly, calmly, and with intention, the better our relationships will be.