A Reflection After My Mother Passed Away
“If I could go back in time, I would have changed the way that I accepted my mother. I would have allowed her to be more human...” - Lacey Tezino
I didn’t see my mother as a normal, flawed human being. She wasn’t allowed to fail - at least not without my criticism.
I give everyday people so much grace. I provide my own narratives for their shortcomings and have a well of empathy for ways that other humans show up in this world.
Did I do this for my mom? No way! I relentlessly kept score. I wanted more than she gave and more than she ever had the capacity to give. Now that she’s gone, I can be honest about my unrealistic expectations.
My mother galavanted around this earth in a way that enamored and annoyed me. She was so free and didn’t tie herself to any strict boundaries or expectations that didn’t serve her soul. My mother lived in a world where she was the hero and the villain, but she accepted both roles. She never apologized for things that she meant to do and made no excuses for things that she was actively working on.
Now that I’m a mom myself, I sometimes wish for half of her courage to separate my identity. My world revolves around my kids and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it is exhausting to come second to their every need. In my opinion, I didn’t even come second with my mom. I made the list, but I most certainly was not number one or two.
It took me a long time to realize - that’s ok. She was more than ok. She was beautiful, smart, powerful and she loved me. She loved me the way that she could, not the way I wanted. I could have given her more grace, but then again - our journey wouldn’t have been as messy and wonderful.